Structure for Support

What Is a Structure for Support?

We are constantly creating support structures to help us accomplish what's important to us.  We wake to an alarm, we consider going back to sleep but there is a meeting scheduled at the beginning of the day which motivates us to get going, we step into a shower designed to deliver hot water at a touch, we wash and brush our teeth with products we made certain to purchase, we dress ourselves in clothes we laundered, which maybe we picked out the night before, have breakfast from groceries we stocked up on during the weekend, head out to the car where an alarm beeps reminding us to buckle up, where gauges enable us to monitor our oil and gas levels and to control our speed.  We pull out onto the smooth roads with painted lines which allow us to drive safely sharing the road with many others, where signs guide us to drive at appropriate speeds, stop when we should and find the street or exit we need...  It is phenomenal how much support we and others have built into our lives, in the form of helpful devices, schedules, products, plans, laws and rules, etc.

But despite our almost constant use of them, most of us have little appreciation that these various things are all forms and examples of structures for support.  This is unfortunate because when confronted with new or unresolved challenges, we may fail to enlist or develop effective structures to support us.  Structure for Support utilizes structures in a variety of ways to support you in designing and achieving a life you love, including a powerful conceptual framework, scheduled and focused conversations, exercises, commitments, and more.  The culminating steps in the design of your life are to deliberately and systematically develop support structures - and to perfect them through trial and error - which will actually have you deliver on the possibilities you've imagined. 

Living a life you love is an ongoing, intentional process - it requires ongoing support or is liable to slip out of existence.  Our time together can be considered a true success when you are actively engaged in living a life you love, have gained a true appreciation of the nature and importance of structures for support and are effective - ongoingly - at creating them. 

PEOPLE AS A STRUCTURE FOR SUPPORT

Human beings desperately want other people to think well of them.  It is a fundamental need, right up there with survival (it is, in fact, an aspect of survival).  Often we are at the mercy of this need, but we can make use of it as well.  In the context of living a life we love, we can use this inate desire to look good as a structure for support. 

If we say to ourselves, "I'm going to do x", we are not much concerned if we decide to do something else.  We can justify to ourselves why we are not going to do what we said - this is not a difficult argument to win.  And even if we know we should do x, and will feel bad about ourselves if we don't, that in itself is often not enough motivation to get us to do it if we don't feel like it.  After all, who's to know?

But what if there is someone who would know?  What if we said to our spouse, or our friend, or our boss, "I'm going to do x"?  Then when we are about to choose not to do x we pause to consider what we told the other person.  We might think, well, they won't remember, or they won't care, or they won't say anything.  If we believe one of these, we may choose not to do x, but we know we are taking a risk that they will notice and think less of us.  We may not be willing to take that risk, depending on what we said we would do and to whom we said it.  The bottom line is, speaking our intention to another actually supports us in doing what we intend to do.

THE TRAINED LISTENER

The problem is, we have trained the people in our lives how to think about us and how to respond to us.  Some of this training is deliberate and some is not, but it leads to the same thing - a trained listener.

When we say to a trained listener, "I'm going to do x", we get the response we've trained them to have.  This usually takes one of two forms:

• We receive support not for our word but for our feelings.  So we get supported not in accomplishing what we're up to but in feeling good or okay about whatever we do.  Thus if we are bothered because we are confronted by actions that would take us outside of our comfort range, we are not supported in taking the action, but instead are supported to do what will have us feel good.
• There is a tacit agreement, an unspoken rule of sorts in our society, not to challenge people when an inconsistency is apparent between what they say and what they do.  This agreement can exist between strangers and even close friends, where it essentially takes the form of "I won't call you on your stuff if you don't call me on mine".  Obviously, an agreement of this sort will not provide much support for you to do what you said.

THE COMMITTED LISTENER

But what if there was someone whose responsibility was to support you in delivering on what you say you will do?  Not someone you delegate tasks to, but someone to hold you accountable to do what you say.  Of course, you will still either do what you said or not, but knowing that there is someone who has not forgotten what you said and is certain to ask you about how you did regarding what you said is an extraordinarily effective structure for supporting you to deliver on your intended action. 

Most of us have people in our lives who, at certain times and in certain situations, will hold us to our word.  Coaches, teachers, administrators, doctors, police and parents are examples of people who might take on the role of committed listeners, but only in certain specific areas.  That's why Life Coaches can be so valuable because they can guide you and hold you accountable in the arena of your life.  One of my objectives in working with people is to get them to fully appreciate and understand the value of support structures, in particular the role of the Committed Listener.

This concludes the overview of the Structure for Support process.  Hopefully, you have gotten some value from it. Please consider bookmarking this site so you can review the material at a later time.  You will find that these concepts will reveal different meanings and find different applications as you move and grow through your life.

Click here to offer comments or to ask questions, or to sign up for a free, pre-client conversation.  I would welcome the opportunity to work with you, to lead you through the Structure for Support process and to be your coach and committed listener in achieving what you most want in your life.  If you are interested in working together, please review some of the ways we can do so listed under coaching services.

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Creating Your Vision

Developing Your Plan

Putting Your Plan into Action

Establishing Support Structures



Look for Where You Can Be Responsible

It is a common human tendency to want to provide reasons and excuses for why you did not do what was expected of you by yourself or others.  This behavior stems from a context of right/wrong, blame and guilt, an entirely made-up realm outside the world of reality.  Anything in this realm is subject to interpretation and opinion.  None of it is true. 

When you or I offer reasons and excuses for our behavior or for what happened, it is an attempt to convince ourselves and those listening that we were in some way a victim of circumstances and not responsible for what happened.  But not being responsible means we have no power to effect the outcome, to do what we say, to accomplish what we want and to live lives we love.

So instead of offering explanations and excuses for your actions, simply acknowledge what happened - be responsible (without judgment) that you did or did not accomplish your action - and, focusing on your vision, choose what action you want to take next.  Only if you are someone who does what you say will you be effective in living your vision.

How Are Your Relationships?

Studies have shown that social cohesion (having support networks, family, friends, peers, teachers, co-workers) is the greatest predictor of success during a time of challenge and stress. 

Some Common Ways to Create a Structure for Support

 * Create a Vision

 * Make a Plan

 * Limit your Focus (choose what you will work on and what you won't work on)

 * Make a Commitment

 * Set a deadline

 * Be specific about what you intend to do, and when

 * Tell Others

 * Ask for Support

 * Form a Partnership

 * Create a Life Habit (do something for 21 consecutive days)

 * Keep a calendar

 * Make a list

 * Set an alarm

 * Schedule a meeting

 * Make an appointment

 * Reduce the Activation Energy (the effort it takes to start a task)

 * Create a reminder

 * Join (or establish) a support group

 * Ask others what they'd do

 * Identify fears and conflicts

 * Review your plan

 * Measure progress

 * Create rewards for success

 * "Chunk it down" (break a project down into do-able pieces)